My Son, Max

Max is my son, and he came out to me when he was 24 years old. He chose this time, because he was in a meaningful relationship, and that if the coming out process went badly, there was someone in his life that he could turn to for support. He also felt it was time to unburden himself of keeping his sexual orientation a secret.

Initially his expectations of coming out were not very high, so when it did not go badly, he was relieved. He was happy with the way he came out, since he put a lot of thought into his strategy and he felt it paid off.

His strategy was:

1. He would not come out until he was 100% comfortable with himself.
2. He would only tell family and friends.
3. People he socialized on a regular basis.
4. New people he met and casual friends and acquaintances.

He felt a game plan was necessary, because this was a life changing event and he needed to be confident and in control of the entire process. He also felt that in cases where people were outed or come out to early , and not totally committed, they have less control and could feel isolated or unsure.

When asked what his message would be to parents of gay children, he said the most important thing to do is be supportive, no matter what, because they are still your children, whether they are gay or straight. He also feels parents should not blame themselves, being gay is not necessarily a bad thing ,it is just what it is.

One of the things he feels sad and frustrated about, is that he feels there are no positive role models to help define his path to follow. Because of this he sometimes feels disconnected and unsure of his future. He wished there could be more gay men out in the mainstream in which to mentor oneself after.

As for potential partners, he feels this to be most challenging. One reason is that statically the numbers are smaller, creating even less chance for compatibility.

Another reason for such a small window of compatibility is because so many children are damaged during the coming out process, it makes it difficult to find an emotionally stable partner.

What Max has found is that when a child is damaged during the coming out process, it will manifest itself with depression. Drugs and excessive alcohol use is a big part of gay life because of the rejection and isolation one feels when not accepted by family and friends. He feels having close friends and family being supportive is crucial to maintain good mental health.

When talking about self-esteem, Max feels it is essential to have a good self image in order to have a successful gay life, since gay life is very superficial, which ties into fear of being alone. You must work harder to maintain your confidence by living healthy and staying active. Also, have close friends, educate oneself, travel and most importantly, have total acceptance from friends and family. When gay men abuse and alcohol, it is to escape the pain of non-acceptance, which in turn leads to low self-esteem and self-depreciating behavior.

At the end of our interview, when I asked Max what should parents do once the child comes out, he said that parents should initially give the child some space, but do not abandon. Join PFLAG or some other support group and educate themselves. Most importantly, abandon any previous negative thoughts and comments of gay and lesbian lifestyle. Do not tip toe around the subject and integrate the child’s sexual orientation into normal everyday life.

This was my very first interview and I had to summon all the courage I could muster to make it happen. I believe Max was a little nervous himself, but once we started, it was a life defining moment for both of us. I believe I learned more about my son in that 11/2 hour interview, than in the previous 28 years. I have said it many times before, and I have to say it again, he is my best work!