Here I Grow Again

This is my personal story of how I went from being a mother of a straight son to a mother of a gay son. This journey began four years ago when my son Max, who was 24 years old at the time, came out to me. Max being Max, chose to come out at an interesting time. It was 20 minutes before I was having guests for a cocktail party! After he told me, I reassured him that I still loved him very much, and gave him a heart felt hug. Now I’m thinking, Max is gay – I’m having guests in 15 minutes! I then said to Max that we are going to have to put this on the back burner until tomorrow, because our guests will be arriving shortly and I do not want to ruin my make-up! Needless to say, that evening was an out of body experience!

The next day Max and I talked more, and then he gave me a gift. He said that he has known he was gay for sometime and he is comfortable with it. Since I had just found out, he realizes that I will need some time to digest it and get comfortable with it myself.

After tears with friends and family, I went to the bookstore to find a book to help me better understand where I was headed. I sat in the parking lot of the bookstore for about 45 min. I finally got my courage to go in and ask at the information desk where I would find a book on being gay. I was then directed to an area of only two small bookshelves, and immediately thought, something is very wrong here. It was there I found, “Something to Tell You”, by Gilbert Herdt and Bruce Koff. It was excellent, and from that book, I learned about PFLAG.

PFLAG is an acronym for Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Persons. It was at these PFLAG meetings where my growth began. I attended my first PFLAG meeting two months after Max had come out to me. There were many tears and tissues. As the months went by, there were less and less tissues and around the 6^th or 7^th month, someone said, “Hey Barb, you didn’t use one tissue!” I then knew I was on my way.

Last spring I decided to further my commitment to PFLAG, and I attended a one-day Speaker Training Course. At the end of the day I said to myself that I hope I never have to actually be a speaker, but I would be happy to be the person handing out the pamphlets.

As the e-mails for speaking engagements started to appear, I would read them, and immediately come up with an excuse why I would not be available, then hit the delete button. This would all change when I received a phone call from PFLAG with a heartfelt message asking if I could speak to 200 freshmen at a local high school at 9:00am the next morning. Since I had not done my observation speeches, I felt safe returning her call to explain I was not qualified. Very presumptuous on my part! I was told I was qualified and was e-mailed the particulars.

My fate had been written. I was about to prepare for my first speaking engagement, which was to take place in less than 24 hours. I spent that entire evening thinking about what I would talk about. I made note cards with key topics I wanted to mention, and with a deep breath, I got myself to the high school the next morning. I would participate in a program designed by Gay Straight Alliance, a club in high schools across the nation.

I was part of a panel of five and the third person to speak. The first speaker was State Senator Jarrett Barrios. He had an amazing presence and powerful energy. His story was so compelling that you hung on his every word. For me, this was not good. The more Senator Barrios spoke, the more intimidated I became. When it was my turn to approach the podium, I did a few yoga breaths and hoped for the best!

It was as if my heart opened up, I shared with these 200 high school freshman, my journey over the past four years. I made them laugh when I poked fun at myself, and I also made them cry when they saw how difficult it was for me at times during the speech. They were all so respectful of me when I needed a moment or two to collect myself, and when I finished, I got a standing ovation. To see those children standing and clapping for me was overwhelming. Those 10 minutes at the podium have changed me forever.

One of the stories I shared was about when my son Max first came out to me; my biggest concern was how do I become a Mom of a Gay son? I had been a Mom of a straight son for 24 years. It’s been all that I knew. I was so afraid of saying the wrong things. For the first time in many years, I felt so inadequate and at a loss for words. To my surprise after attending many PFLAG meetings with so many wonderful people, I then realized that there is no difference. I was and always will be just Max’s Mom.

At the end of my speech, I posed a question to the students. It was, “If there is a Gay or Lesbian student in your class and you feel uncomfortable with it, please ask yourself, what am I afraid of?” I then told them where they would find the answer to my question…in their own heart.

How lucky was I that I embraced the opportunity, even though I was scared out of my mind… to continue to grow as well as, hopefully touch someone with a similar story. I know that when I receive the next e-mail about a speaking engagement, I just might not be so quick to hit the delete button

I believe that most everyone knows and cares for at least one Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender person. When you open your heart and embrace that special person in your life, you will be the one who grows. I learned that at PFLAG and you could too! That is my message and I hope you will pass it forward.