When You Hear Something Think

When you hear something, and think, oh god, my life as I know it is over, in reality, it’s just an indication, that the life you’re suppose to have, is just beginning. Unfortunately, at the time this drama is unfolding, you are unaware of the shift that is taking place and you can only think of getting into bed and pulling the blankets over your head. Actually my mother perfected this technique and my father dubbed her an undercover agent.. That was always our way of knowing that things were not good and don’t wake her up!

My son Max is 32 and came out to me seven years ago. Of course he thought the perfect time to tell me was 15 minutes before having guests in for cocktails, but that’s just Max. Once I caught my breath, I gave him a hug, told him that I loved him, but we needed to put this on the back burner since our guests would be arriving soon and I didn’t want to ruin my make-up. As you can well imagine, the rest of the night was an out of body experience. It was then, at the end of the evening, when I thought, my life as I had envisioned it was over and all I wanted was my bed.

The next morning again I told Max how much I loved him, but I just needed some time to digest this information. It was then he gave me the gift of time. He said he had known he was gay for sometime and he understood that it would take me some time to get comfortable with it.

Luckily I found my first PFLAG meeting 3months after Max came out, and it was then that the shift in my life began. It was slow at first, but with the support of PFLAG I was able to become closer to Max than ever before. Our relationship was now based on honesty and Max was able to be his real self, which was not that different than his old self, he still is the charming, funny, clever Max, he just happens to be gay.

What I found during those early years is that the more involved I was with PFLAG, it was my way of giving him validation and approval to who he is. And as we all know, approval is the nourishment to the soul for any child, no matter the age.

Max now has a wonderful partner named Robert, who I simply adore. Last week they celebrated a two year anniversary and I hope and pray for many more to come. When your child is happy, there is no better feeling in the world! I have even thanked Max for being gay and changing my life in such a profound way. He just looked at me, rolled his eyes and said, OK Mom and walked away.

In my job I work with many gay men. Tuesday of this week, working back from London with our crew of nine, four of the flight attendants were gay. I spoke to them about the upcoming Pride Parade and how excited I was, once again, to march with other PFLAG parents. I told them stories of past parades and how important it is to attend the parade and be present.

About an hour later, I then ended up sharing crew rest space with Marshall, one of the gay men on the crew. I had never flown with him before and I wondered if he minded sharing this small space with me. That all evaporated when he needed help with the word puzzle he was working on, and when he completed the puzzle, with a little help from me, he spontaneously said,” I just love you”, to which I responded, “I love you as well.” I went back to my reading and he started another puzzle. When I again helped with the new puzzle I said, “Marshall, you must love me even more than before”’, to which he replied, yes he did love me more than before. I then responded, I loved him even more as well. That was the end of the conversation and at the completion of our rest period, we went back to work. After we landed, Marshall thanked me for sharing my stories and said how much he enjoyed flying with me. I was so touched by our little moment.

Driving home from the airport I tried to make sense of what happened during that crew rest. I then realized that I put gay and lesbian men and women in the same category with babies, kittens and puppies. I have unconditional love for all them. I understand how important it is to them, humans and animals a like, to receive a loving glance, a hug, a kiss and a sense of knowing they are loved. Thank you.

Speaking Engagement at Arlington High School

Good morning. As Nicole mentioned in her introduction, I am a flight attendant for American Airlines. I would prefer to be offering you a snack and a beverage than be up hear speaking to you, because this is the very first speaking engagement I have ever done representing PFLAG.

My son Max is 29 years old, and came out to me 4 years ago. He attended St. Johns Prep, Syracuse University and is now in a Masters program at CCNY.

Max being Max, chose to come out at an interesting time. It was 20 minutes before I was having guests arrive for a cocktail party! After he told me, I told him that I loved him and I embraced him with a loving hug. Now I’m thinking, Max is gay - I’m having guests in 15mins! I then said to Max that we were going to have to put this on the back burner until tomorrow, because our guests will be arriving shortly, and I do not want to ruin my make-up! Needless to say, that evening was an out of body experience!

The next day Max and I talked more, and then he gave me a gift. He said that he has known he was Gay for sometime and he is comfortable with it. Since I had just found out, he said he realized that I will need some time to digest it and get comfortable with it.

After tears with friends and family, I went to Barnes and Noble to find a book to help me better understand where I was headed. I sat in the parking lot of the bookstore for about 45 min. before I got the courage to go in and ask at the information desk where I would find a book on being Gay. I was then directed to an area of only two small bookshelves, and immediately thought, something is very wrong here. It was there I found, “Something to tell you “ by Gilbert Herdt and Bruce Koff It was excellent and from that book, I learned about PFLAG.

At about two months after Max came out, I attended my first PFLAG meeting. There were many tears and many tissues. As the months went by, there were less and less tissues and at about the 6^th or 7^th month, someone said,”Hey Barb, you didn’t use one tissue!” I then knew I was on my way!

My true defining moment was when I marched in my first Pride Parade two years ago. As I drove into Boston I was scared to death, much like my ride to Arlington today. As we began to march with the parade, I became overwhelmed by the warm and loving response we received from the crowds along the parade route. All of a sudden it came to me. There had to be a least 20,000 people at the parade, and only 20 or 25 PFLAG parents marching in the parade. I thought to myself, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS! At that moment, I took off my sunglasses so I could make eye contact with as many people as I could. I wanted them to know that on this day, at that moment, I was marching for them as well. It will be a day I will never forget.

That night Max called. He of course was at the beach that day, but he called to tell me how proud he was of me for marching in the parade. I told him I was there to honor who he is and that I loved him very much. You see, Max is still Max, he is a strong, confident, successful young man, who happens to be gay.

Lastly, to me, fear is a four letter word. I believe all prejudices are fear based. What I would like to ask is if you happen to have a fellow student in your class who is gay or lesbian, and you are uncomfortable with it, please ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” “Why can’t I have a friend who is gay or lesbian?” I will tell you a secret, the answer lies within your heart. Thank you.

To my surprise, I received a standing ovation!! I had people coming up to me and hugging me with words of thanks. I had one young student come up to me and say,”If my Mom had an opportunity to do this, she would have sounded just like you! It just took my breath away! I gave that young boy a hug and I thanked him for such a beautiful compliment. Needless to say, I was on a natural high for the next few days. My family was so proud, but most of all, Max thought his Mom rocked!

Those 10 minutes at the podium changed me forever. I now know that all one needs to do is find the courage to face ones fears, and the rewards are ten-fold. What I know for sure is that if it were not for the many monthly PFLAG meetings I attended, and still do, I would never be where I am today - A PROUD PFLAG MOM.

Pride Parade

I get silly with excitement when thinking about the upcoming Pride Parade! This year will be my 5^th parade and it seems as if it were just yesterday I made my scary drive into Boston for my first outing. ( No pun intended!)

As I reflect over the past five years I see this time as a process, similar to the growth of a flowering tree. Let me explain. When I first joined PFLAG seven years ago, it was as if I were just a sapling, and during the next two years, the monthly PFLAG meetings were like shots of fertilizer, the kind you would use on a sapling to promote a sturdy root system. During those years the foundation for the later growth was established.

The first parade, in my 3^rd year of PFLAG represents the maturation of the leaves and branches . At the second parade and 4^th year of PFLAG, its height was established and its trunk began to thicken.

By the third parade and the 5^th year of PFLAG, the leaves and branches of the tree had reached maturity and small buds began to appear. Last year, my fourth parade and 6^th year of PFLAG, a bounty of mature beautiful buds burst into bloom. I have finally become the tree I was supposed to be.

So it is with silly excitement that I look forward to this year's parade. I am now a full grown mature tree marching and being seen supporting the men and women that deserve our understanding, our love, and their right to equality.

My hope for the future is that there will be groves of flowering trees, just like myself, planted in every state, country and continent, and there will be freedom and justice for all.

What Keeps Me Warm

In the January issue of Oprah’s Magazine, Helen Beck had a great article about how to find out if you are in the life meant for you. She simplified the way one would go about finding this out by using a children’s game as a metaphor. The game involved one person hiding something while the other person was out of the room. Once the item was hidden, the other person came in to find it. The only clues were that as the person got closer to the item she/he was getting warmer and when the person was further away, she/he got colder.

As you may have already figured out, she was saying that when you are doing something and you are feeling cold and uncomfortable this is not what you should be doing. On the other hand, if what you are doing makes you feel warm and complete, it is there you should be.

To me this metaphor, though just a few words, spoke volumes! Immediately, the first thought that came to my mind is that when I am doing all things relating to PFLAG, I feel warm. Whether it is doing a speaking engagement, marching in the parade or attending a support meeting, at the end of the day there is always a warm and content feeling.

Just recently on a trip to Ft. Myers Fl., which I have done for the last 10 years each fall and spring, I stepped outside my comfort zone. I was in a consignment shop looking for treasure and there I met Scott Miller. Scott was working at the shop and his partner was leaving as I entered. I shopped for a bit knowing all the while that I could not leave the store without introducing myself. I went back and forth, do I go the “gay way” or do I mind my own business, smile and leave. Well, I guess I knew all along I would never mind my own business, so I started out with PFLAG as the ice breaker and then there was no turning back! It was just the best. I learned all about Scott and his partner Manuel. Scott also told me about a couple of places my son, Max, and his partner Robert can go for drinks and dinner the next time they are in Florida visiting with me and Rich.

Scott and I promised we would get together when I am back in April and I will make every effort to make that happen. As I drove away I realized, Scott is the first gay man I have met in my ten years of going to Ft. Myers! I can’t wait to make him my friend.

As we said our goodbyes, I felt warm and content (not due to the temp) and the rest of my day was extraordinary. Traffic lights were only green and all parking spaces were up front waiting for me to pull right in!

When you have a minute try this simple little game and find out where you belong. Just like Dorothy, in the Wizard of OZ, we all have the power over our destiny, we just have to listen for it.

Two Shirts for the Price of One

Rich and I have just come back from visiting Max and Robert in NYC. As always, it was a wonderful visit. Our visit is typically one sleep and three meals. Short and sweet. Long enough for some quality time, short enough, so that they will welcome us again the next time we show up!!

On Saturday night we went to one of my favorite restaurants, “Le Entrocote”, and while we were dining I admired the shirt Max had on. Being the critical but loving mother that I am, Max was surprised and said both he and Robert bought the same shirt, but in different colors and they both share the two shirts. It was then, Robert said,” Yes, we both have two shirts for the price of one!”

That phrase struck me as the epitome of how a good relationship works. I have written on many occasions how lucky I am that Max and Robert have found each other, but I have come to see that it really is so much more than that.

They do have a little bit of the yin and yang thing going on,( responsible/not quite as responsible, but working on it), but for the most part, they seem totally congruous.

I would say that both of them, shares and plays well with others! Since Max is an only child, I am most proud of this.

Robert

Robert is my dream come true. He is my son’s boyfriend who I met for the first time several weeks ago. Since our first meeting we have also had the pleasure of spending a 3-day weekend together for a family wedding in Newport RI where he met our large family and extended families.

Initially when Max told us he had met someone significant and he wanted us to meet him, me being me said, “Talk to me in ninety days and if you still want us to meet him, we will be more than happy to head to NYC for a meet and greet.

Since we make plans and God laughs, Robert came to Boston several weeks ago for business and Max joined him for the weekend. Of course Rich and I were in Florida at the time but we wanted to meet him before the Thanksgiving weekend wedding, that Robert was attending with Max, so we came home early to take them out to dinner and I returned to Florida the next day. It was the best decision we have ever made!

The three hour dinner that we enjoyed was so perfect it was beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. Some of Max’s friends and cousins had already met Robert and the feedback was very positive but this information did not prepare me for the wonderful energy between Max and Robert and this is what put me over the top with joy!

Since Max came out to us six years ago, one of my biggest concerns was, would he find a boyfriend who loved him for being Max and have similar goals and interests. I wanted Max to experience what it’s like to be truly loved and respected and be able to return that love and respect as well. As I said to Rich on the way home from dinner that night, it’s as if I gave God a checklist and he returned it with all the boxes checked!

As the weekend wedding approached we became more and more excited about seeing Max and Robert. During our drive to Newport that weekend it was all we talked about. In fact we made more than a few phone calls to them, checking on where they were in their journey up from NYC. I must say, Max was gracious with each phone call since I’m sure he was annoyed each time his phone rang but he never let us know!

From Friday to Sunday the weekend just got better and better. Robert was a huge hit with the family. Friends and family alike all found time to tell us how glad they were for Max to have found such a fine young man.

After we said our goodbyes on Sunday and started for home, I began to ask myself why I have become Robert’s biggest fan. Just as I pondered the question the answer became very clear to me. Robert and I have something in common we both love Max very much!

Only time will tell where this relationship will go but for right now I am going to stay present in each day and bask in the joy.

My Son, Max

Max is my son, and he came out to me when he was 24 years old. He chose this time, because he was in a meaningful relationship, and that if the coming out process went badly, there was someone in his life that he could turn to for support. He also felt it was time to unburden himself of keeping his sexual orientation a secret.

Initially his expectations of coming out were not very high, so when it did not go badly, he was relieved. He was happy with the way he came out, since he put a lot of thought into his strategy and he felt it paid off.

His strategy was:

1. He would not come out until he was 100% comfortable with himself.
2. He would only tell family and friends.
3. People he socialized on a regular basis.
4. New people he met and casual friends and acquaintances.

He felt a game plan was necessary, because this was a life changing event and he needed to be confident and in control of the entire process. He also felt that in cases where people were outed or come out to early , and not totally committed, they have less control and could feel isolated or unsure.

When asked what his message would be to parents of gay children, he said the most important thing to do is be supportive, no matter what, because they are still your children, whether they are gay or straight. He also feels parents should not blame themselves, being gay is not necessarily a bad thing ,it is just what it is.

One of the things he feels sad and frustrated about, is that he feels there are no positive role models to help define his path to follow. Because of this he sometimes feels disconnected and unsure of his future. He wished there could be more gay men out in the mainstream in which to mentor oneself after.

As for potential partners, he feels this to be most challenging. One reason is that statically the numbers are smaller, creating even less chance for compatibility.

Another reason for such a small window of compatibility is because so many children are damaged during the coming out process, it makes it difficult to find an emotionally stable partner.

What Max has found is that when a child is damaged during the coming out process, it will manifest itself with depression. Drugs and excessive alcohol use is a big part of gay life because of the rejection and isolation one feels when not accepted by family and friends. He feels having close friends and family being supportive is crucial to maintain good mental health.

When talking about self-esteem, Max feels it is essential to have a good self image in order to have a successful gay life, since gay life is very superficial, which ties into fear of being alone. You must work harder to maintain your confidence by living healthy and staying active. Also, have close friends, educate oneself, travel and most importantly, have total acceptance from friends and family. When gay men abuse and alcohol, it is to escape the pain of non-acceptance, which in turn leads to low self-esteem and self-depreciating behavior.

At the end of our interview, when I asked Max what should parents do once the child comes out, he said that parents should initially give the child some space, but do not abandon. Join PFLAG or some other support group and educate themselves. Most importantly, abandon any previous negative thoughts and comments of gay and lesbian lifestyle. Do not tip toe around the subject and integrate the child’s sexual orientation into normal everyday life.

This was my very first interview and I had to summon all the courage I could muster to make it happen. I believe Max was a little nervous himself, but once we started, it was a life defining moment for both of us. I believe I learned more about my son in that 11/2 hour interview, than in the previous 28 years. I have said it many times before, and I have to say it again, he is my best work!

Here I Grow Again

This is my personal story of how I went from being a mother of a straight son to a mother of a gay son. This journey began four years ago when my son Max, who was 24 years old at the time, came out to me. Max being Max, chose to come out at an interesting time. It was 20 minutes before I was having guests for a cocktail party! After he told me, I reassured him that I still loved him very much, and gave him a heart felt hug. Now I’m thinking, Max is gay – I’m having guests in 15 minutes! I then said to Max that we are going to have to put this on the back burner until tomorrow, because our guests will be arriving shortly and I do not want to ruin my make-up! Needless to say, that evening was an out of body experience!

The next day Max and I talked more, and then he gave me a gift. He said that he has known he was gay for sometime and he is comfortable with it. Since I had just found out, he realizes that I will need some time to digest it and get comfortable with it myself.

After tears with friends and family, I went to the bookstore to find a book to help me better understand where I was headed. I sat in the parking lot of the bookstore for about 45 min. I finally got my courage to go in and ask at the information desk where I would find a book on being gay. I was then directed to an area of only two small bookshelves, and immediately thought, something is very wrong here. It was there I found, “Something to Tell You”, by Gilbert Herdt and Bruce Koff. It was excellent, and from that book, I learned about PFLAG.

PFLAG is an acronym for Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Persons. It was at these PFLAG meetings where my growth began. I attended my first PFLAG meeting two months after Max had come out to me. There were many tears and tissues. As the months went by, there were less and less tissues and around the 6^th or 7^th month, someone said, “Hey Barb, you didn’t use one tissue!” I then knew I was on my way.

Last spring I decided to further my commitment to PFLAG, and I attended a one-day Speaker Training Course. At the end of the day I said to myself that I hope I never have to actually be a speaker, but I would be happy to be the person handing out the pamphlets.

As the e-mails for speaking engagements started to appear, I would read them, and immediately come up with an excuse why I would not be available, then hit the delete button. This would all change when I received a phone call from PFLAG with a heartfelt message asking if I could speak to 200 freshmen at a local high school at 9:00am the next morning. Since I had not done my observation speeches, I felt safe returning her call to explain I was not qualified. Very presumptuous on my part! I was told I was qualified and was e-mailed the particulars.

My fate had been written. I was about to prepare for my first speaking engagement, which was to take place in less than 24 hours. I spent that entire evening thinking about what I would talk about. I made note cards with key topics I wanted to mention, and with a deep breath, I got myself to the high school the next morning. I would participate in a program designed by Gay Straight Alliance, a club in high schools across the nation.

I was part of a panel of five and the third person to speak. The first speaker was State Senator Jarrett Barrios. He had an amazing presence and powerful energy. His story was so compelling that you hung on his every word. For me, this was not good. The more Senator Barrios spoke, the more intimidated I became. When it was my turn to approach the podium, I did a few yoga breaths and hoped for the best!

It was as if my heart opened up, I shared with these 200 high school freshman, my journey over the past four years. I made them laugh when I poked fun at myself, and I also made them cry when they saw how difficult it was for me at times during the speech. They were all so respectful of me when I needed a moment or two to collect myself, and when I finished, I got a standing ovation. To see those children standing and clapping for me was overwhelming. Those 10 minutes at the podium have changed me forever.

One of the stories I shared was about when my son Max first came out to me; my biggest concern was how do I become a Mom of a Gay son? I had been a Mom of a straight son for 24 years. It’s been all that I knew. I was so afraid of saying the wrong things. For the first time in many years, I felt so inadequate and at a loss for words. To my surprise after attending many PFLAG meetings with so many wonderful people, I then realized that there is no difference. I was and always will be just Max’s Mom.

At the end of my speech, I posed a question to the students. It was, “If there is a Gay or Lesbian student in your class and you feel uncomfortable with it, please ask yourself, what am I afraid of?” I then told them where they would find the answer to my question…in their own heart.

How lucky was I that I embraced the opportunity, even though I was scared out of my mind… to continue to grow as well as, hopefully touch someone with a similar story. I know that when I receive the next e-mail about a speaking engagement, I just might not be so quick to hit the delete button

I believe that most everyone knows and cares for at least one Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender person. When you open your heart and embrace that special person in your life, you will be the one who grows. I learned that at PFLAG and you could too! That is my message and I hope you will pass it forward.

OY VEY HE'S GAY!

Why I think this blog is necessary:

I joined PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in October 2001, two months after my son Max came out. Looking back, I can see it was a major turning point in my life, and the beginning of a journey I will continue to travel, for a very long time.

By going to the meetings, I met many parents, just like myself, as well as young adults, who would join the adult meetings several times during the year. After meeting with the young adults on several occasions, I realized through my conversations with them, that the parents have no idea what their children are thinking, and the children do not know what their parents are thinking. What I found to be true, is that the two groups were not communicating with each other, which in turn leads to misinformation, fear and isolation.

It was not until I came to this realization, did I understand how my son was feeling. This enlightenment made my journey to acceptance sooner than later, simply because my son is my son, and to see him in pain, is like a knife in my heart.

Fortunately, I work for a major airline, and have had the good fortune to work with many gay men and women, young and old, and have learned so much from their stories.

By listening to them, I have grown into a person who has learned humility and courage. I have also realized that education and understanding is the only way our young gay men and women, who are our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews as well as our grandchildren, will have the acceptance they deserve. We need to give them their self esteem back as well as our unconditional love.

I have been wanting to do something like this for a long time. It has been as if a seed has been planted in my heart. I have nurtured that seed with warm thoughts and caring, and as I begin this labor of love, I can feel the germination of the seed, along with the excitement of anticipating the blossom in the future.

I hope you enjoy this blog and my posted stories.

You can respond to this blog publicly or privately at maxmulcahysmom@gmail.com.

With love and peace, Max’s mom, Barbara Mulcahy