OyVey, I'm on Facebook!

Yes, it’s true. Max finally talked me into doing this and he has also created a fan page, which friends can now join. Of course I still do not have a clue as to what a fan page is or how to find it. Just last week, my nephew Harry, mentioned that he saw Max’s post about the blog on Facebook. When I started asking too many questions, my brother Steve said “Barby, stop talking, you sound stupid, I will give you a Facebook tutorial next week.” I have yet to have my tutorial so please bear with me during this learning process. I know many of my peers, you know who you are, feels my pain!

Rich and I just got back from our two days in NYC visiting the boys. Max and Robert moved into their new apartment on the upper west side and have created a warm and loving home for themselves. It’s what I have always dreamed of for Max, finding the right person to share your life with and have a home that’s a haven at the end of the day. This is the winning ticket and when you have that combination there is no challenge that cannot be met. Oprah always says, “Your home should rise up to meet you when you walk in the door”. I believe this is true and that is how I felt when I walked into Max and Robert’s building and then into their apartment.

When Richie and I headed for home I was filled with joy and gratitude because as a mother bear, when your child is happy, there is no better feeling in the world.

Speaking of mother bears, I would be remiss if I did not mention my two moms that I mentor. They still want to remain anonymous, and that’s ok, but I must give them a shout out for all the hard work they have done to support their gay sons. These moms work on their journey 24/7 and because of it, their boys are amazing. Both young men are college freshman and are doing great. I believe a key component to their happiness is that their moms never gave up believing in them. I know there will be a time when each mom reveals herself but it takes baby steps to get to that destination. I know it’s just a matter of time and they will be there. I love you both.

Hugs, Barbara

TYLER CLEMENTI

I could not do this post and not mention the tragic death of Tyler Clementi. I have always believed that through adversity there are lessons to be learned and this speaks volumes to me.

A heinous crime has been committed and I feel manslaughter charges should be brought against Tyler’s roommates. It is paramount that his death not be in vain. This is a teachable moment if we allow it to be. Night after night, watching Anderson Cooper report on Tyler’s death, gave me hope that main street America will finally acknowledge the crisis among our GLBT friends and family.

In preparing for this post, I have visited www.wegiveadamn.org as well as the website “The Trevor Project”. What I have learned from these sites is heartbreaking and frightening. I did not know that two out of five GLBT teens think about suicide often, and one in three have attempted it. These statistics are sobering, there needs to be a change in the way we educate children and ourselves. Children are born free from hate, it is a learned behavior within their environment, and this is where the seeds of change need to begin. It is our responsibility as human beings to insist that there be tolerance and acceptance for all persons, no matter their gender preference or identity.

A favorite quote of Oprah’s by poet Maya Angelou is “When you know better, you do better”. This is an opportunity to do just that. A shift in your way of thinking will make a difference and change your life for the better. Have conversations with your children, spouse and extended families about the damage that results from bullying and hate, and institute a policy of zero tolerance for this behavior in your home. Maya Angelou stated in an article in “O” magazine that she does not allow anyone with negative energy or ill will to enter her home. Her wisdom is priceless, we should all follow her lead and leave all the hate filled baggage on our doorsteps, not allow it to flourish in our home.

Rest in peace Tyler Clementi, you and all the other young souls who felt they had no other choice, are in our hearts. We will try and do better.

Hugs, Barbara

" The Side Door"

In the September PFLAG newsletter I read about a book signing party featuring author Jan Donley to celebrate her first novel, “The Side Door”. What really got my attention was that with each sale of the book, PFLAG got a percentage donation. I immediately signed up to attend but on the day of the event, with reports of severe thunderstorm activity forecasted, I started to rethink the wisdom of the 90min schlep to Brookline during rush hour. After wrestling with the decision to go or not to go, and the Jewish daughter guilt that, still, occasionally rears its ugly head, I pulled myself together, put on my big girl panties and headed out.

At the event, Pam Garramone, the executive director of PFLAG spoke about the importance of books like “The Side Door” and also about the work that PFLAG does to keep our children safe while in school. After Pam spoke, Jan took center stage to read several pages from her book. She grabbed your heart at the start. “The Side Door,” is a story about two friends trying to find a place where they fit in, to be their true selves, while navigating through high school. It is an amazing book, written with painful honesty and compassion and it’s a “must read” for all teenagers. Gay or straight, it will help everyone have a better understanding of what it is like for those who feel they don’t fit in.

I not only had the pleasure to meet Jan Donley and visit with my good friend Pam, I also met Dianne Monnin who is a PFLAG mom like me. She belongs to the Easton, MA, PFLAG chapter and is the mother of a child who transitioned female to male. As it turns out Dianne and I joined PFLAG about the same time, nine years ago, and she too has done the work it takes to accept and celebrate her son Tev and it is because of her unconditional love for her courageous son, that she is able to mentor and be a role model for parents who are still struggling with the acceptance of their transgender children.

It was such a treat to meet a mom who is as excited and committed as I am, to educate friends and family about the importance of acceptance and inclusion of our GLBT family members. Dianne is a mother who makes a difference and that makes her very special in my book. For further information about the support group for gender variant children, please contact Pam Garramone, Greater Boston PFLAG, 781-891-5966.

The rain gods were traveling with me that night and it did not start to storm until I was already in the restaurant and “dry as a bone” when I left the book signing, only clear skies ahead. Driving north, heading for home, I once again thanked the higher powers in my life that keep me moving forward, doing the things I’m supposed to be doing and gaining wisdom with each lesson.

Hugs, Barbara

TIT FOR TAT

On September 25^th I am walking in the Susan G. Koman Breast Cancer walk/race and it inspired me to write this poem. I know that this is not a GLBT issue, but I feel gay or straight, we have all been touched by this insidious disease.

My dear friends, Amy and Niki, are in the midst of this battle. They have been together for 10 years and Niki, who is genetically predisposed to breast and ovarian cancer, is battling a rare form of Stage 4 ovarian cancer. During the past two years, Niki has had a bilateral mastectomy, a hysterectomy, and aggressive chemo and radiation, as part of her treatment plan. Niki is a fighter by nature and at this writing she is in remission.

Amy and Niki have weathered this storm with grace and dignity each being a support to one another and we hope and pray there will only be sunny days and blue skies in their future together. So it is for Niki and so many others that I have in my heart, that I share these words with you.

Hugs, Barbara

TIT FOR TAT

There are many names for a woman’s breast,

Tits, the girls, ta ta’s, and jugs, to name a few.

Some are big, some are little and only few are perfect.

We increase them, decrease them and some of us,

We’re better without them.

And then there are those of us, who when we lose them,

Replace them, and honor our scars, we’re survivors.

Our breasts are used to nourish our babes and titillate our mates.

We have push-up bras, we have minimizers and bras for all occasions,

The Wonder bra, the 24 hour bra, sport bra and underwire.

But at the end of the day what is important is this,

No matter the size or shape, lost or replaced,

Our breasts do not define us.

Rich or poor, powerful or weak,

One common denominator binds us together.

At the end of the day, we take our bra’s off,

All the same way,

One strap at a time my friend, one strap at a time. .

Barbara Mulcahy

In honor of my Mother, Ruth Rosenfeld 1924 - 1988

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BLOG??

Yes you can! I know I’m not the only mother with a voice and after reading Sharon Zimmerman’s great story in the GBPFLAG summer newsletter I realized there are so many other parents and friends who can do this too.

Trust me, if there was a contest to be a blogger, I would have been voted “Most likely never to blog”. I struggle with our universal remote, the CD player is not my friend and changing the ringtone on my phone is not an option. My biggest nightmare has been when “password not recognized” pops up on my screen, it can bring me to my knees. So, if I can blog, so can you.

Although there have been many challenges starting this website, I do not regret the angst and adjada, for it has made me more of myself. I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter how many people read my blog, it’s about how it changes the lives of the readers.

So I say to you, don’t be shy, gather your courage and start thinking about starting one. Your friends and family will be educated and entertained by what you have to say. If you can make a difference in your own small way the reward from your hard work is “priceless”.

If you have any questions on how to get started, please contact me at oyveyhesgay@gmail.com. I am certainly not an expert but I would be happy to share what I know. What I have learned since joining PFLAG nine years ago is that when it comes to supporting your child, you find the courage.

Hugs, Barbara

YOU'RE OUT, YOU'RE IN

An interesting phenomenon occurs when your child comes out of the closet, their parents almost always head straight for the hide away that their child vacated. Some of us have taken to our beds, wept uncontrollably while driving, or have simply chosen to ignore the fact that our child is gay, sure that it is only a phase. The latter, I call “Queen of Denial”. We’ve all been there, used this self-defense mechanism, to find a safe place to hide, catch our breath, and gather strength to walk side by side with our child.

Every parent has his or her own timetable accepting that their child is gay. Some educate themselves more quickly than others. The main goal of this blog is to help move the process of acceptance forward for those who might need a little help along the way.

I recently had dinner with two moms that I mentor. They are both amazing women and mothers, who are still on their journey, in other words, still in the closet. During our meal I explained to them that when you “stay in the closet” longer than absolutely necessary, you invalidate your child. I said that I believe that if you can’t tell the people that are most important in your life that your son or daughter is gay, you make them invisible. I surprised myself with that statement, but I now realize that every time I tell someone Max is gay, I am validating him, making him more himself. My moms have the door slightly ajar, and I know it’s just a matter of time before they muster up the courage to leap out.

When I was able to totally accept and embrace the fact that Max was gay, he was off and running. His confidence in himself increased, and he became lighter in his step and in his heart. Over the past several years Max has gotten back in the game and as always, he’s unbeatable.

On August 13^th, 1976, at 8:30pm, Max Mulcahy made his debut at Beverly Hospital, in Beverly, Massachusetts. I became a mother of a handsome, healthy baby boy, which dramatically changed my life. In July of 2001, Max Mulcahy came out to me as a young gay man, again, dramatically changing my life. I’m the mother of a handsome healthy, gay son. At first I thought my role as mother was somehow changed, but what I now know to be true is that there is no difference, gay or straight, you’re always the mother, always the dad. .

So I’ll end with this, mom and dad, come out, come out where ever you are!

Hugs, Barbara

YIKES

When I started this blog my hope was to have it linked to the Greater Boston PFLAG website, but as thrilled as I was when Pam called to tell me this was going to happen, the fright nearly took my breath away. Up until now my blog was read by selected friends and family so the thought of the general public reading it gave me palpitations! My self doubt was in high gear, sending every negative thought roaring through my head; luckily it was 4:00 pm, "Oprah time".

Since I'm an Oprah groupie, for me, it was unusual that I had not seen this particular show, which featured country singer Chely Wright as her guest. Miss Wright had recently come out and was on the show to promote her memoir, "Like Me". Her story is a chilling one and after I read her book it became clear to me that writing my blog is definitely what I am supposed to be doing. Chely's story is painful to read because of how difficult it was for her to be closeted during the time she was following her passion as an artist. The duality of her life proved to be almost too much for her and she was very close to committing suicide. Yes, it's a sad story but it needs to be told and told over again so LBGT men and women can be heard.

Seeing Chely Wright on Oprah that day validated my passion to speak openly and lovingly of my gay son and the rest of my gay friends and family. Dialouge is essential to understanding and eliminating the "elephant in the room". Too many men and women are hurt by ignorant speak. The more open we are with our love and support will change the thinking of our generation and generations to come.

I am happy to say this is the first of my bi-monthly blog and hope to have a guest blogger from time to time. I made this commitment to share love, wisdom and laughter, and hope to create awareness and the importance of acceptance to my readers.

It is a privilege to be linked to the Greater Boston PFLAG website and I am humbled by their acceptance. I will be posting on the 1st and 15th of each month. Please look for me.

Hugs, Barbara