" The Side Door"

In the September PFLAG newsletter I read about a book signing party featuring author Jan Donley to celebrate her first novel, “The Side Door”. What really got my attention was that with each sale of the book, PFLAG got a percentage donation. I immediately signed up to attend but on the day of the event, with reports of severe thunderstorm activity forecasted, I started to rethink the wisdom of the 90min schlep to Brookline during rush hour. After wrestling with the decision to go or not to go, and the Jewish daughter guilt that, still, occasionally rears its ugly head, I pulled myself together, put on my big girl panties and headed out.

At the event, Pam Garramone, the executive director of PFLAG spoke about the importance of books like “The Side Door” and also about the work that PFLAG does to keep our children safe while in school. After Pam spoke, Jan took center stage to read several pages from her book. She grabbed your heart at the start. “The Side Door,” is a story about two friends trying to find a place where they fit in, to be their true selves, while navigating through high school. It is an amazing book, written with painful honesty and compassion and it’s a “must read” for all teenagers. Gay or straight, it will help everyone have a better understanding of what it is like for those who feel they don’t fit in.

I not only had the pleasure to meet Jan Donley and visit with my good friend Pam, I also met Dianne Monnin who is a PFLAG mom like me. She belongs to the Easton, MA, PFLAG chapter and is the mother of a child who transitioned female to male. As it turns out Dianne and I joined PFLAG about the same time, nine years ago, and she too has done the work it takes to accept and celebrate her son Tev and it is because of her unconditional love for her courageous son, that she is able to mentor and be a role model for parents who are still struggling with the acceptance of their transgender children.

It was such a treat to meet a mom who is as excited and committed as I am, to educate friends and family about the importance of acceptance and inclusion of our GLBT family members. Dianne is a mother who makes a difference and that makes her very special in my book. For further information about the support group for gender variant children, please contact Pam Garramone, Greater Boston PFLAG, 781-891-5966.

The rain gods were traveling with me that night and it did not start to storm until I was already in the restaurant and “dry as a bone” when I left the book signing, only clear skies ahead. Driving north, heading for home, I once again thanked the higher powers in my life that keep me moving forward, doing the things I’m supposed to be doing and gaining wisdom with each lesson.

Hugs, Barbara

TIT FOR TAT

On September 25^th I am walking in the Susan G. Koman Breast Cancer walk/race and it inspired me to write this poem. I know that this is not a GLBT issue, but I feel gay or straight, we have all been touched by this insidious disease.

My dear friends, Amy and Niki, are in the midst of this battle. They have been together for 10 years and Niki, who is genetically predisposed to breast and ovarian cancer, is battling a rare form of Stage 4 ovarian cancer. During the past two years, Niki has had a bilateral mastectomy, a hysterectomy, and aggressive chemo and radiation, as part of her treatment plan. Niki is a fighter by nature and at this writing she is in remission.

Amy and Niki have weathered this storm with grace and dignity each being a support to one another and we hope and pray there will only be sunny days and blue skies in their future together. So it is for Niki and so many others that I have in my heart, that I share these words with you.

Hugs, Barbara

TIT FOR TAT

There are many names for a woman’s breast,

Tits, the girls, ta ta’s, and jugs, to name a few.

Some are big, some are little and only few are perfect.

We increase them, decrease them and some of us,

We’re better without them.

And then there are those of us, who when we lose them,

Replace them, and honor our scars, we’re survivors.

Our breasts are used to nourish our babes and titillate our mates.

We have push-up bras, we have minimizers and bras for all occasions,

The Wonder bra, the 24 hour bra, sport bra and underwire.

But at the end of the day what is important is this,

No matter the size or shape, lost or replaced,

Our breasts do not define us.

Rich or poor, powerful or weak,

One common denominator binds us together.

At the end of the day, we take our bra’s off,

All the same way,

One strap at a time my friend, one strap at a time. .

Barbara Mulcahy

In honor of my Mother, Ruth Rosenfeld 1924 - 1988

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BLOG??

Yes you can! I know I’m not the only mother with a voice and after reading Sharon Zimmerman’s great story in the GBPFLAG summer newsletter I realized there are so many other parents and friends who can do this too.

Trust me, if there was a contest to be a blogger, I would have been voted “Most likely never to blog”. I struggle with our universal remote, the CD player is not my friend and changing the ringtone on my phone is not an option. My biggest nightmare has been when “password not recognized” pops up on my screen, it can bring me to my knees. So, if I can blog, so can you.

Although there have been many challenges starting this website, I do not regret the angst and adjada, for it has made me more of myself. I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter how many people read my blog, it’s about how it changes the lives of the readers.

So I say to you, don’t be shy, gather your courage and start thinking about starting one. Your friends and family will be educated and entertained by what you have to say. If you can make a difference in your own small way the reward from your hard work is “priceless”.

If you have any questions on how to get started, please contact me at oyveyhesgay@gmail.com. I am certainly not an expert but I would be happy to share what I know. What I have learned since joining PFLAG nine years ago is that when it comes to supporting your child, you find the courage.

Hugs, Barbara

YOU'RE OUT, YOU'RE IN

An interesting phenomenon occurs when your child comes out of the closet, their parents almost always head straight for the hide away that their child vacated. Some of us have taken to our beds, wept uncontrollably while driving, or have simply chosen to ignore the fact that our child is gay, sure that it is only a phase. The latter, I call “Queen of Denial”. We’ve all been there, used this self-defense mechanism, to find a safe place to hide, catch our breath, and gather strength to walk side by side with our child.

Every parent has his or her own timetable accepting that their child is gay. Some educate themselves more quickly than others. The main goal of this blog is to help move the process of acceptance forward for those who might need a little help along the way.

I recently had dinner with two moms that I mentor. They are both amazing women and mothers, who are still on their journey, in other words, still in the closet. During our meal I explained to them that when you “stay in the closet” longer than absolutely necessary, you invalidate your child. I said that I believe that if you can’t tell the people that are most important in your life that your son or daughter is gay, you make them invisible. I surprised myself with that statement, but I now realize that every time I tell someone Max is gay, I am validating him, making him more himself. My moms have the door slightly ajar, and I know it’s just a matter of time before they muster up the courage to leap out.

When I was able to totally accept and embrace the fact that Max was gay, he was off and running. His confidence in himself increased, and he became lighter in his step and in his heart. Over the past several years Max has gotten back in the game and as always, he’s unbeatable.

On August 13^th, 1976, at 8:30pm, Max Mulcahy made his debut at Beverly Hospital, in Beverly, Massachusetts. I became a mother of a handsome, healthy baby boy, which dramatically changed my life. In July of 2001, Max Mulcahy came out to me as a young gay man, again, dramatically changing my life. I’m the mother of a handsome healthy, gay son. At first I thought my role as mother was somehow changed, but what I now know to be true is that there is no difference, gay or straight, you’re always the mother, always the dad. .

So I’ll end with this, mom and dad, come out, come out where ever you are!

Hugs, Barbara

YIKES

When I started this blog my hope was to have it linked to the Greater Boston PFLAG website, but as thrilled as I was when Pam called to tell me this was going to happen, the fright nearly took my breath away. Up until now my blog was read by selected friends and family so the thought of the general public reading it gave me palpitations! My self doubt was in high gear, sending every negative thought roaring through my head; luckily it was 4:00 pm, "Oprah time".

Since I'm an Oprah groupie, for me, it was unusual that I had not seen this particular show, which featured country singer Chely Wright as her guest. Miss Wright had recently come out and was on the show to promote her memoir, "Like Me". Her story is a chilling one and after I read her book it became clear to me that writing my blog is definitely what I am supposed to be doing. Chely's story is painful to read because of how difficult it was for her to be closeted during the time she was following her passion as an artist. The duality of her life proved to be almost too much for her and she was very close to committing suicide. Yes, it's a sad story but it needs to be told and told over again so LBGT men and women can be heard.

Seeing Chely Wright on Oprah that day validated my passion to speak openly and lovingly of my gay son and the rest of my gay friends and family. Dialouge is essential to understanding and eliminating the "elephant in the room". Too many men and women are hurt by ignorant speak. The more open we are with our love and support will change the thinking of our generation and generations to come.

I am happy to say this is the first of my bi-monthly blog and hope to have a guest blogger from time to time. I made this commitment to share love, wisdom and laughter, and hope to create awareness and the importance of acceptance to my readers.

It is a privilege to be linked to the Greater Boston PFLAG website and I am humbled by their acceptance. I will be posting on the 1st and 15th of each month. Please look for me.

Hugs, Barbara

As promised, Richie,...This is all about you!

Richard Samuel Weiner has been with Max and me for the last 18 years. He is my main squeeze, the love of my life and the glue that keeps our family together. I initially was drawn to Richie for his "solidness" and strength. I knew that he would be able to help Max navigate his formative years and be a role model to propel him into adulthood, falling crazy in love with him was an added bonus!

Max was fourteen years old when Richie arrived. At the time we were in the midst of recovering from my divorce so our sadness was always just below the surface and would often appear without warning but Rich never gave up on us. He has the patience of Job and would constantly run interference between Max and me, doing so without judgment. Whether he was fixing a speeding ticket or taking Max to Sunday breakfast, a ritual begun during the early years, Richie supported Max unconditionally.

Richie taught Max how to drive, attended all his swim meets and tennis matches, and when Max was at Syracuse, he would always work a road trip into his busy schedule. Max and his friends always got a good meal and at the end of the night Max had a few more bucks in his wallet.

After Max came out, Richie told me he had known Max was gay for some time. Of course, Richie being Richie, he patiently waited for Max to chose his time. It has been well documented in previous stories how I fell apart and gradually, slowly pulled myself together. Richie was, once again, the glue that repaired our family, always front and center with love and support for both of us.

I can't imagine what our life would have been, if Richie hadn't been with us during those difficult times, with a smile on his face and love in his heart. Max and I were the big winners when he arrived 18 years ago and Richie's devotion to us, as ours to him, is total and complete.

Now instead of trips to Syracuse we head to NYC. All I have to say is, "I need to see the boys," and Richie goes into action. He books the hotel, takes the shopping list to Costco, gases up the car, and off we go. After every visit, as we exit the city and head for home, my heart overflows knowing how blessed I am to have Richie in my life and I thank him for his kindness and love.

Richie may not be Max's biological father and he has never pretended to be. He has always supported Max's relationship with his dad, but at the end of the day, Richie, has always had Max's back and that's what celebrating Fathers Day is all about.


To my "Main Squeeze", I love you always....Barby

Hip, Hip, Parade...Oh what a day it was.

As in past years, Richie and I met Pam at 7:30am to set up the PFLAG information booth at the Pride Festival located on City Hall Plaza and our long Pride Parade Day began.

This is one of my most favorite days of the year because I get to celebrate, along with at least one million other people, all LGBT men and women. We marched in the parade with our PFLAG family and the overwhelming reception from the people in the crowds was amazing! The love we felt from the sidelines is like manna from heaven that fills our souls and makes our job as parents that much more rewarding.

I experience so many different emotions throughout the day, though each year there always seems to be one special moment that stands out among the rest. It started out business as usual. At 11:00am, Richie and I left City Hall Plaza for our journey to the South End to assemble for the Parade. Every year, without exception, the Government Center "T" Station attendant has to help us figure out how to purchase two one way tickets on the Green Line. This year, nothing had changed. We struggled for a few minutes, causing a back up and then she appeared, our subway angel, and once again showed us the way out of subway hell!

Finally, settled on the train wearing our buttons and carrying our signs I knew we looked a bit conspicuous but that's the fun of Pride. Standing by the doors of the train I noticed a mom with a young boy who gave me a shy smile. Seated in front of them was a women with a young boy who could have been his twin. It took a few seconds, but then I thought, "hello, I know where you folks are going". I made I eye contact with her and we connected, so as they passed by us exiting at the Arlington stop, I said, "watch for us marching in the parade so we can wave to you", the door shut, and Richie just looked at me and smiled.

Sure enough, Rich caught sight of this great little family and we shouted and waved to them as we marched by, sharing a special moment.

At 2:00pm, Richie and I took a break from our post at the info booth and headed for Starbucks at Boylston and Tremont. I don't know why we chose that direction to walk, we just did and once again met up with our little family. Well, of course, we had to stop and do a meet and greet. Our conversation may have lasted only a few minutes but it is now part of the quilt of my special moments from previous Pride Parades.

We are blessed, Richie and I, in so many ways, we're happy, have our health and our Max has given us purpose and opportunities to make a difference. I know we will never find a cure for HIV, Cancer or World Peace, but doing our work with PFLAG and having special moments with the people we have met along the way, hopefully has some small positive impact.

Hugs, Barbara

P.S. Since Richie mentioned that every post so far on my blog is about Max, Robert and PFLAG, I promised him my next one, a Father's Day post, will be all about him!! Please look for it.